by Jessica Cardinale
Awoke with a deep ache in my heart, but fuzzy like that something missing had been stuffed full of cotton balls. The sky was blue, the leaves bursting with fiery reds & oranges, seasoned with saffron yellow. (The goddamned birds are chirping!)
“Nope, don’t want to do it.”
I wrestled with the idea of just staying in bed until work this evening. Realizing how much more upset I’d be with that choice, I put on LCD Soundsystem, cleaned the house, then cried. I made myself a smoothie, sat down, and then I cried. The shuddering, red-faced, snot dripping kind of cry, one leg flung up on the dining room chair and a good chunk of hair in my right hand.
I love riding my bike & I love practicing yoga, both things I’d been neglecting for a few days. Exercise and sunlight. Endorphins and Vitamin D! (It really is a lovely ride.) Of course I picked up some glass or some screw or nail, and after tearing through my bag for an outrageous two minutes, looking for the spare tube that I knew I’d forgotten to pack, I started to laugh. I smiled walking the rest of the way to class, and you know what…I met new people. We opened the heart chakra. We moved from Camatkarasana (wild thing) into Chakrasana (wheel pose), and it was fun. I stopped into Randy’s Recycled Cycles to grab a tube, subsequently meeting my new bike mechanic, Matthew.
I guess my point is that allowing myself to feel the sadness, not move away from it, resulted in a more comfortable state. Thinking back on times when I have ignored my emotions or numbed them, I can see now that my emotional development was stunted. Feeling the temporary discomfort, maybe crying like hell, and getting back up is the only way to evolve. It’s a new month so try something you’ve never done before, right? From subtle to extreme, when we live with volition, we become better humans.